Portraits by Tlc

Plugged In

2010-11-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

I don't often exercise with an iPod. The last time I really remember listening to music while I ran was when I was in high school and the "DiscMan" was a novelty. That was a pain. Did I sign up for a run or an upper body workout?

Anyway. Back to my point.

The other day, my mum encouraged me to do so. Just to get my mind off the workout and tune my mind to some solid worship while I was out enjoying the woods. So, like any well-trained child would do...

I listened to my mother.

I plugged-in my iPod and toted it with me on the trail (much easier than the Stone-age Discman).

I put the earbuds in, lightly wrapped the extra cord around my hand, shook myself out and started up the trail.

....but then one of the earbuds popped out. So I fumbled to get it back in place. At which time, I lost sound in my left ear. So I twisted the cord this way and that, trying to get it to come back. Which almost made me drop the iPod itself, because of course, I am too stubborn to stop running on the trail - lest my heart rate go down - and fix it. So, here I am, zig-zagging down the trail, left hand fixing the earbud, right hand twirling the iPod like a baton and thinking to myself: Why did I bring this thing again?

Oh yeah. Because I wanted to focus. Ha.

So, finally , after all my finagling, I had full sound, ear buds that were staying in place and I was setting a gentle, straight pace down through the woods. While I was running, I found that I really did enjoy having the worship music sounding in my ears.

The words seemed to penetrate to my soul and with every breath I took in, the truth the lyrics proclaimed became a part of me.

After I finished my run, I drove back to my apartment and fixed some lunch, and decided it would be nice to go relax down by the water....

....it was then that I realized something.

I was still hearing music.

I hadn't shut my iPod off or taken the earbuds out after my run. The music was still playing.

After all the fuss of getting those things set in my head, I didn't feel them anymore. I didn't notice the weight of the iPod in my pocket. I didn't feel the pressure of the earbuds.

All I heard was music. Almost as if it was simply a part of me.

I got thinking about all the things that go through my head everyday. Thoughts that I have to fight. Self-criticism, critique, self-judgement and condemnation.

I thought about what I need to do to combat that: Speak Truth to my heart.

It can be so hard somedays, because the lies have been a habit for so long. I've been running without Truth for so long...

...I have to fuss with the earbuds, because they keep falling out. Sometimes they both don't work. Sometimes I drop the iPod.

But, when all is said and done; the earbuds are in, the iPod is firmly in my grip and I'm running straight down the trail...

...I won't notice them anymore. The music, the Truth, will be like breathing. It will be part of my soul.

Sometimes, it just takes a little effort to get it started.

"...for your love is ever before me, I walk continually in Your Truth." Psalm 26:3

Pillow Fights

2010-10-22T03:36:00.001-07:00

Pillow fights. A blessed part of growing up. You find the biggest, fluffiest (while still being easy to hold on to for battle purposes) pillow and assume the battle stance. Usually on top of a bed. If you didn't have a big enough bed, you piled all the blankets on the floor with the extra pillows and squared off. Cowboy style. Or perhaps Knight-in-Shining-Armor-Style. Take your pick.

When the battle commenced, fits of laughter and muffled thumps of pillows could be heard throughout the house. Victory was achieved when one lay on the floor laughing uncontrollably with the other person planting their foot victoriously onto the other's chest, striking a haughty pose while trying to also contain their laughter.

I was usually the person laying on the floor. And here's why:

For whatever reason, I was a horrible Swords-woman. (Or Pillows-woman?). I had this problem where I would swing, but I didn't block. My brain had a frustratingly terrible time telling my arms to bring the pillow up in front of my face to block the next blow. I just went in swinging until I couldn't swing anymore. I exhausted myself. When that happened, my opponent saw the opportunity and the retaliation came full force. But instead of raising the pillow up and blocking the blow - as any logical person would do - , I did the first thing that came to mind:

I closed my eyes.

Now tell me, what the heck kind of good does that do? It only meant that Icouldn't see what was coming. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean its not happening.

No matter how hard I would close my eyes, the blow would still come. I would still get a mouthful of pillow. And soon enough, my pillow would fall to the floor out of my exhausted grip and I would follow right behind it - giggling as my opponent stood over me, gloating about their victory.

I was reading Ephesians the other day and I couldn't help but relate it to this. Paul tells the Ephesians they need to take up the Breastplate of Righteousness, the Belt of Truth, put on the Sandals of Peace and take up the Shield of Faith...and that's where I stopped. The Shield of Faith.

In Biblical times, the soldiers understood the importance of a shield. I read recently that some days, soldiers would come in from battle with over 200 arrows in their shield. If they hadn't had their shield, that would have been200 arrows in their body! And I'm pretty sure, that would mean that they wouldn't be walking in from battle.

I realized that is where my problem lay. I dropped my pillow. I spent so much time attacking, that by the time it came to protect myself, I was too worn out to lift the pillow in my own defense. Instead, I just closed my eyes. So, with my pillow-shield on the floor, and my eyes closed, I would take the blows. And eventually, on the floor I would be.

What I need to do instead, is paint that pillow with the Truth that God has given me. Instead of exhausting myself, I must confidently raise my shield - blaring the Truth of God back in the Enemy's face. I want that Truth and that claim to resonate so loudly that the arrows don't just stop IN my shield, they do a 180 and go back where they came from!

Everyday we are fighting a battle. But unfortunately this battle is not done with pillows and blankets. It is a divine battle, a spiritual battle. One that, if we are not aware of it, is soon going to leave us on the floor with our victor standing over us, gloating...

...but it doesn't have to be that way. We have the equipment to fight, andfight we must! Even when it's exhausting. Even when defeat might seem inevitable. We must remember Who is fighting alongside us.

Hold up your shield. Remember His Truth. Fight like you have divine strength.Because you DO.

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight we are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments andevery pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, we take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Whisper-ma-phones, Sneetches and Diffendoofer

2010-07-29T21:02:00.001-07:00

I have always been a huge fan of Dr. Seuss. I mean, how can you not enjoy brightly colored pages, with absurd poetry that makes as much sense as it doesn't?

Dr. Seuss had a wonderful knack for creating a world that was completely unique and unlike anything we might relate to on earth - yet, we could relate to it just the same.

Green Eggs and Ham, glippity glop, red fish, blue fish and Truffula Trees.

It didn't matter that there was no such thing as a Triple-Ax-Hacker, much less that it could be invented at the drop of a hat. It didn't matter that half the words he used were made up, just because he needed something to rhyme.

Dr. Seuss didn't play by the literary rules. He made up his own.

But as I thought about this, I began to ponder how many people try to do the same thing with Christianity.

We try to make up our own rules.

We want to pick and choose which laws apply to us. We want to look at God's Word and take certain parts and apply them to our lives, and throw the others away.

Love everyone? Has God met my neighbor? Seriously?

Give generously? If God had given me a better job....

Read His Word? Uh...I don't read...

Share the gospel? I was always told to use words when necessary....right?

....there are so many ways we try to pick and choose. Ways we try to mold our faith into something that's convenient. Something that's easy.

We want to make up our own words. Words that we think should rhyme with our story.

But we can't. We aren't Dr. Seuss. And we aren't writing children's books.

We're followers of Christ that have been given a task, a purpose. In order to fulfill that, we have to play by HIS rules.

We don't get to make up our own.

Come back to reality. Your life is not your own.

Remember whose rules you play by and quit making up words.

The Short Straw

2010-07-28T21:23:00.001-07:00

One trauma.

Three teenagers.

Three outcomes.

The first 17 year old girl left the scene of the accident in a body bag.

Her 18 year old boyfriend left in an ambulance, only to be connected to vents and machines so his heart would continue to beat and his lungs continue to breathe....but the inevitable is only a matter of time.

The other 17 year old girl walked out of the Emergency department. Alone.

Last week was their prom.

This week: Their funerals.

When the 17 year old girl was asked to identify the situation prior to the accident, she had said her two friends were in the front seat.

They were in a convertible. It was rainy. They were simply joyriding. Enjoying their youth...

...and forgot for one split second they were not invincible.

Reality sunk in fast.

The impact of the car on pavement blew the windshield in. In one single moment, a life ended, another was changed and yet another hangs in the balance. The crushing weight of loss presses down and begins to suffocate...

As the girl was recalling the incident she stared blankly toward the wall...

...without turning to look at anyone, she spoke.

"I drew the short straw. I drew the short straw, I lost. That's why I was in the backseat."

The short straw saved her life.

I tried to imagine what was going through her mind at that moment..

"Why? Why ME?"
......How was I spared?
.........Why am I walking, when my friends aren't even breathing?
....Could I have stopped them?
.........Could I have prevented this?

I have no answers, no words of wisdom...there is nothing that can take away the pain of this situation. Nothing that can undo what tragedy has occurred.

Her life has been changed forever.

She has however, for whatever reason, been given a second chance.
She was saved.

She drew the short straw.

I think when it comes to life we don't really have any idea what the "short straw" actually is.

We have ideas of how things should go, how life should work, but in the end it's all perspective.

And perspective can change in the blink of an eye.

With a career change..
With an unplanned pregnancy...
....with a crushed in windshield....

Life happens one day at time. There is no predictability.

We can define it as much as we like, but in the end, you only have the present.

NOW.

Short straw, long straw. It doesn't matter.

Just live. Take today alone. Forget yesterday and leave tomorrow for later.

You don't know what the outcome of your straw is going to be.

"We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall." Proverbs 16:33

Packs, Pride and Thin Air

2010-06-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

I am a flatlander. 100%.

A few weeks ago, while hiking up from somewhere in the Grand Canyon, I realized this fact.

Two and a half miles felt like twenty. My lungs were burning; craving the oxygen that they weren't receiving (I have spoiled them for the last twenty-three years with sea level, O2 rich, breathable air). My legs were shaking and my muscles were screaming.

Unfortunately, another couple factors came into play that didn't help my situation.

A) I am not a camel. Which means, I must carry my water with me - because I drink A LOT of it.

B) I have an incessant need to photograph EVERYTHING. Therefore, my camera comes with me, too. It weighs about 5 pounds.

Now, how do you suppose I bring all this junk? That's right. A pack.

Of course, the whole flatlander thing wasn't really a thought when I started out. Dehydration and lack of memory capture while hiking in the Grand Canyon was.

About 2 hrs later, while halfway back up the canyon, with my 2 liters of water and 5 pound camera loaded on my back, I got thinking....

"What kind of ridiculousness is this?!"

Of course, I would never in a million years voice that (although I might have mentioned "misery" in passing at one point during the hike...). Pride has a way of keeping your mouth shut in these circumstances most of the time..

However, voicing it wasn't necessary. My brother looked back from the position he'd stopped at about 100 feet in front up and said:

"You're going really slow."

Ugh. Was it that obvious?

Well, a few minutes later, he turned around again..

"Tracy, let me carry your pack," he told me.

In order to try to keep some semblance of my dignity, I half-heartedly refused.

"No, I brought it, I'll carry it." - which of course got me nowhere, because before I knew it I had been spun around and the pack was off my shoulders and onto his and he had resumed his effortless hike up the trail.

Gosh darn him.

I half-glared and half-smiled as I continued along behind him....

...The weight of the pack gone from my shoulders.

I do that a lot. Carry unnecessary baggage. By myself.

I try to fix circumstances in my own life through my own self discipline or my own will. Thinking that determination alone is going to get me through....

Instead, what just ends up happening is that I'm miserably hiking up an endless slope with weight I don't have to carry. Weight that, if I were to hand it over, would be gladly rested on the shoulders of my Savior.

I always think, "God, I got myself into this mess. I'll get myself out." Simply because I don't want to bother Him with some situation I feel I've created.

Well, just because I've loaded the pack, doesn't mean He isn't willing to carry it.

After all, His shoulders are stronger than mine. His lungs are used to the thin air.

You know, after Andy took my pack, I was able to hike to the top a lot faster.

So hand over the pack. Let go of the pride. You still have to hike...

...but the weight is gone.

"let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." ~ Hebrews 12:1

Who's the Real Artist?

2010-05-05T02:12:00.000-07:00

I can't draw. Seriously.

I want to be able to draw. I'd love to be able to sketch out some amazingly shaded...something...

Heck, if I could make a freaking stick figure I'd be ecstatic.

But it's no use.

When I think about drawing something, I have this beautiful image in my head of what it will look like. So I get excited and pull out a piece of paper and pencil. A nice sharp, pencil that will smoothly trace the image in my mind onto this perfect white piece of paper.

Except that's not what happens. Instead, its almost as if my brain and my hand are on completely different wavelengths.

As my hand begins to form lines and curves on the paper, my brain starts screaming "What are you doing?? That's not what I want you to draw!" But my hand keeps going, completely oblivious to the protests from my brain.

So when I step back and look at my creation, it merely looks like some kid went crazy with the Crayolas.

Devastating, I tell you.

I have to laugh when I think of how bad an artist I am when it comes to my life, too.

Sometimes I wonder if God is thinking, "What are you doing?! That's not what I want you to draw!" as he watches my actions and some of the choices I make.

It's like I take the pencil from Him and think I can draw something better than He can draw for me.

Except, when I start, all that comes out is this mess of scribbles and lines that don't make sense to anyone. Not even Picasso.

What I'm learning, though, is that God is a much better artist than I am. Not only that, He also carries the eraser to clean up my mistakes...

...To redirect and redefine the lines that have been scribbled on His canvas. He can turn them around and shape them into the art that He imagined to begin with.

But I have to give Him back the pencil first. After all, who's the real artist?

The one who paints the sunrise every morning and the sunset every evening? Or the one who struggles to make a stick figure recognizable?

I should think the answer would be obvious.

"This is what the Lord, your Redeemer and Creator, says, 'I am the Lord, who made all things, I alone stretched out the heavens. Who was with me when I made the earth?...I am the First and the Last...before me no other god was formed, nor will there be one after me." ~ Isaiah 44:24, 6, 43:10

Numb

2010-03-30T16:57:00.001-07:00

My sweet tooth finally caught up to me. I have two cavities.

Well, seeing as I would like to see my teeth stay in my mouth, I decided to get them filled.

First, the dentist numbed the area with some "tastey" cherry flavored topical cream. This seemed to do a pretty decent job of making my mouth feel fuzzy and tingly. After the topical anesthetic, he injected a deeper local anesthetic to numb the root of the tooth.

Although seeing that needle coming at my face was a wee bit unnerving, I knew I would probably thank him later.

The whole process took about 30 minutes and I left with the knowledge that those particular two cavities wouldn't be a problem any longer.

There was just one problem. I couldn't feel my face.

If I hadn't known what happened, I would have swore I had had a stroke. Or that someone had sliced half my face off. Except that when I reached up to touch the lips that I was sure had disappeared, they were still intact. With a little drool leaking out the side. How attractive.

I tried to eat lunch. That was a trick. I knew my lips, my teeth and the right side of my tongue were there, but I couldn't feel them. No matter how I chewed, I couldn't, for the life of me, feel what that side of my mouth was doing.

Eerily, however, my brain knew what to do. Even though the feeling in my face was non-existent, my brain knew that - whether I felt them or not - my lips were there.

I think God can be like that sometimes.

Each day is different. Sometimes, God feels so close that you can imagine him standing next to you. You can envision Him holding your hand. The feeling can be so strong it drives you to your knees or has tears streaming down your face.

Other days, it's as if there is a local anesthetic in your life. You're numb. Incapable of feeling His presence if you stabbed your face with a fork.

On those days, it can be so hard to remember that He is still there.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you chew, the feeling just won't come.

But that doesn't mean He's gone. It doesn't mean he's left. Scripture tells us he won't EVER leave us or forsake us.

It's on those days that we need to remember the Truth that is manifested in our heart. That truth that screams, "Lord, you're there, even though my pitiful senses can't feel you." We need that heart memory to remember how to believe, even when believing seems impossible.

So, even though you might not feel your face right now, the feeling will come back.

Sometimes with a little soreness. Or maybe just with the fact that you can actually feel your mouth turn up in a smile...

So let your brain remember how to chew. Don't rely on nerves that so easily lose their feeling.

"You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious inexpressible joy." ~ 1 Peter 1:8

Don't Let the Fall Shake You

2010-03-26T05:45:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago, a friend invited me to go to an Ice Show with her.

That means figure skating, sequence outfits and cheesy music.

Who could say no to that?

There were skaters from all ages - little tykes who couldn't tie their own laces to professionals that made the sport look effortless.

At one point, a young lady came onto the ice to do a solo routine. She couldn't have been more than 16 years old and seemed to have quite a bit of confidence on her skates.

However, when she took her first jump - a double toe loop or triple tail spin or whatever they're called - she timed it inaccurately and fell. Ouch. The ice didn't look very soft.

She tried to recompose herself and keep going, but you could tell some of the wind was knocked from her sails.

Again she tried another jump. This time, she didn't fall completely, but the jump was by no means smooth. You could tell the poor girl was shaken.

By the end of the routine, a simple spin was hard for her and she had pretty much given up on trying anything, for fear of embarassing herself in the process.

Later in the show, a woman about 25 years old came onto the ice. This particular skater was invited to join the show because she was a professional. She had been on skates since she was two and even won National's the year before.

You could tell.

Her confidence was impenetrable. I'm not saying she didn't fall. She did, in fact. The difference between her and the young lady before her, however, was this:

She didn't let it shake her.

You can imagine, that in 20-some years on the ice, she is accustomed to falling. She knows she isn't perfect and that she won't perform everything exactly right all the time. When she fell, she got right back up and continued her routine with the same confidence she started out with.

Sometimes it's easy to give up, isn't it?

We fall, we fail, and we feel that there is no point. We've messed up, so why try?

Why? Because the music is still going.

When we're young, we fall and we feel like it is the end. In our walks with God we feel like we're unforgivable. We're failures.

It's not until we fall many times and are forgiven much that we truly understand that we can get back up and move on in confidence.

Have you fallen? Are you skating with confidence? Or with none at all? Or are you simply laying on the ice, waiting for the song to end and someone to drag you off?

Believe in God's unfailing love. Get up. He won't turn his back on you no matter how much you fall.

You have a routine to finish.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today or our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or the earth below could separate us from the love of God that is revealed to us in Jesus Christ our Lord."

~ Romans 8:38-39

2010-01-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

A couple of months ago, I was having a bad day.

Now, I'm sure I've had bad days since that particular one, but this one stands out in my mind.

It was the kind of day that things weren't necessarily going wrong, but they certainly weren't going right.

I was feeling unproductive, unsuccessful and downright depressed. The sun wasn't shining, I couldn't figure out why I was feeling the way I was - which only made me more frustrated - and I didn't know where to go.

I was pondering where I was and if I was giving God my best - realized that I wasn't and that only made me sink farther into my bad mood.

Lost. That is how I felt. Lost, unfaithful and unworthy.

As I was walking and pondering my circumstance, I had my eyes glued to the sidewalk. I didn't want to fake a smile at the people passing by and I certainly didn't want them to guess that maybe all was not well.

Suddenly, into my view there came a dash of color on the gray concrete. I paused.

Something was written in bright blue chalk.

i love you.

"Really?" I wanted to ask. It was as if God had placed those words there just for me.

i love you. period.

I love you when you're lost, unfaithful, unworthy, undeserving, frustrated, depressed, angry, irritating. I love you when you refuse to love yourself.

Because that is what I do. It is Who I Am. I don't change. Neither does my love.

I won't let you forget it, even if I have to write it on a sidewalk so you'll see it.

"...for your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth." Psalm 26:3

Bravery and Break Walls

2010-01-02T11:34:00.000-08:00

In Traverse City there lies a marvelous oasis.

It is known as the Open Space.

The Open Space is surrounded by the crystal blue waters of Grand Traverse Bay and is the perfect place to toss a frisbee, read a book, watch a sunset or simply gaze at the clouds.

And after you do any of the aforementioned activities, it is always nice to jump in the water over the break wall. Just don't get caught. It's not what you would call "legal" - shhh.....

The other day I was relaxing on a ledge overlooking the break wall when I heard the scampering of little feet approaching. I looked up to see a young girl, about ten years old, running full tilt to the edge of the break wall.

Her steps slowed as she approached it. She cautiously looked around in every direction. Then began climbing through the rungs of the fence.

I glanced back down at my book and I heard a SPLOOSH!

Then there was another set of scampering feet. Again I raised my head to see a young girl - maybe a year or two younger - run up to the break wall.

Girl #1 was breathless and giggling as she climbed up the ladder out of the waves. "See, that shows how brave I am.", Girl #1 announced to her little friend.

Her friend looked from the first girl to the crashing waves below and back again. Eyes wide. Awestruck.

I chuckled to myself as I watched this scene before me. How many times have I felt the same way?

I see a challenge in my life - some crashing waves over an illegal break wall - and I feel the need to jump in. Just to see if I can do it.

Sometimes I come out breathless and triumphant. Other times, I'm choking on the water that threatened to drown me, vowing never to do such a ridiculous thing again.

But I think that's the point. If you don't try, how do you know if you can? Or if you can't?

We could stand on the edge of the break wall all day, pondering the risks and allowing fear to overcome us. But we'll still just be standing on safe ground. Wondering.

Maybe its time to get out of the comfort zone.

So look around. Check for cops. And jump in.

....Okay, maybe you should keep it legal.
But still jump in.

Liver & Onions: A Lesson in Anatomy

2010-01-02T11:24:00.000-08:00

One word comes to mind when I think of Liver & Onions.

YUCK.

Of course, I really can't say that with any sort of legitimacy because I have never actually tried Liver & Onions. Maybe it is like Green Eggs & Ham and that is all I would ever want to eat after trying it...But I digress.

Let me help you understand my reasoning for the emphatic statement above. The Liver is an incredible organ. It filters three pints of blood every minute for detoxification, aids in the digestion process by producing the necessary biochemicals, helps with protein metabolism, hormone production, and the storage of glycogen.

You know what else? You can't live without it. There is NO substitute for your liver.

That being said, can you still tell me that eating something thats main purpose is the filtration of toxins and waste out of your bloodstream is really that appetizing? I didn't think so.

Well, in my attempt at making this entrée a bit more appealing, I needed to find out what the liver does with this filtered waste. After all, people actually eat this stuff, so it can't stay in there, can it??

This is what I found: The Liver filters the waste and uses it to create a very important alkaline substance that is essential to digestion. You ready for this?

Drumroll, please...

Bile. Yep, bile. Yum. Can you believe that God created our livers to turn our waste into something useful?? That a grotesque substance of filtered waste and toxins could actually HELP our body??

**As I marveled at this newfound information, I began pondering the bile that I create outside of my body. Usually its in the form of messed up conversations with others about my faith. The problem I've run into is this: I am wretched at talking. Writing I can handle, but talking? That's another story.

I can never get my words to come out the way I want them to, I never feel like I say the right things....it's a mess. Thankfully, though, God is a lot like our liver. He can take those messed up words and still use them to get His point across - if the person has a willing and open heart. Even if I feel like all it is is waste.

So does this mean God is a Trash Compactor and Recycle Bin all in one?

"The words of the godly are like a life-giving fountain..." ~ Proverbs 10:11a

**This is not permission to introduce mass quantities of toxins into your system just to give your liver a workout. Nice try, though.

The Shopping Cart

2009-10-10T05:36:00.000-07:00

The other day I woke up to a severe dilemma. A near empty refridgerator.

Two eggs (one that happened to be frozen), spoiled milk and waffle cones were all that remained. A trip to the grocery store was in need.

While I was at Meijer, speeding around to aqcuire the items necessary to make life a bit more survivable, I couldn't help but notice the other people around me.

The woman scrutinizing prices of boxed pasta, the older gentleman following his elderly wife around like a lost puppy - still uncomfortable in spite of the fact that they have probably been doing the same routine for 50 years - and the mothers hauling their children around by the belt loops hoping to get in and out of the store without a tantrum or pulling out their prematurely graying hair.

As I was nearing the end of my trip, coming towards me from the other end of the aisle was a father with his approzimately two-year-old daughter in the shopping cart. I could see the daughter was stretching out her arms and squirming in her seat to try to reach what was on the shelves they were passing.

Patiently, her father would reach forward and lightly place her arms back by her sides and tell her "No." After a couple instances, he began to explain to her why he was doing this. "We don't need that," he told her. "You need to behave yourself. Sit still in the cart like a big girl." And finally, almost as an afterthought, he said:

"Make good choices."

I couldn't be sure if he was saying it to her now in hopes that it would be something she would obey right then, or if maybe she might just recall that particular sentiment several years down the line when life is a bit more complicated than grocery shopping.

I could relate to these two. I was a high matinence child. I would have been the two year old reaching out to every passing object trying to pull them off their respective shelves. And as that thought occurred to me, I realized how very much I am like that with God.

It's almost as if I am going through life looking around trying to grab every object off the shelf. Thinking maybe THAT is what I need. Maybe THAT is where my satisfaction will be found.

Will life feel better if I have a more exciting job?

Will I feel more satisfied if I see more places?

If I know more people? Do more things?

Or will my life be just as empty, only busier?

But what if I were to let God fill my life? Fill my time? How about then?

As I watched the shopping cart gang pass me by, I had one final thought:

I'm not driving.

I'm the girl in the cart.

Maybe I need to let God do the shopping.

The Motherload

2009-04-23T04:35:00.000-07:00

The other day I went Blueberry picking with my roommate and her friend. I don't know how many of you have ever gone blueberry picking before, but it's super fun! And quite therapeutic, I might add.

Well, we set off early in the morning and got our buckets and headed out to the field. We each had a HUGE bucket - we were told they could hold up to 15 lbs of blueberries - and began the task of plucking the bushes for the ripest, bluest blueberries.

Well, I found one bush, and I thought, "Wow! This is a really great shrubbery! I think I'll stick with this one for a while.." Well, about an hour went by and I was still plucking at this one shrub. I couldn't help but think to myself, "Man, this has to be the BEST shrub in the field! I can't leave it! I probably won't find another one better."

So, I continued to toss the berries into my bucket, and I noticed my 15 lb Blueberry bucket was about One-Third of the way full. I began to wonder how my comrades were doing.

Soon after, my roommate came over to me and asked me how I had been faring - as I started to reply "Very well! Couldn't be better!" I stopped in mid sentence. What I saw in her arms was not only a 15 lb Blueberry bucket FULL to the brim, but it was full with the most plump and ripe blueberries I had seen yet!

I looked down at what I now saw as a very sad looking bucket of berries and thought, "Wow. I could have done so much better." My roommate just chuckled at my sad excuse for blueberries and led me back to what she called the "Motherload".

And then I thought again....how often I do this in real life! I get stuck on one thing - I think it's the best thing ever and nothing could be better, so I don't move on. I don't look to see if perhaps there are other options, other possibilities (other shrubberies) that could blow that one out of the water.

Perhaps it's that one relationship you thought would last forever - but maybe God has someone better out there for you, hmm?

Perhaps it's that job you think you want so badly - but maybe God has something different in mind. Something better...

Sometimes, I think we get such tunnel vision that we don't look around. We get stuck in a rut that says "I have to have this because it's the best!" Or "I have to do this because..." or "I need that relationship - there is no one better!"

There is a difference between persevering through something that requires endurance, and wasting your time on something that is mediocre. Don't get stuck on one shrub. Look around.

Maybe, what you think is best, is really only "good". Maybe the best is yet to be found.

Maybe you have yet to find the Motherload.

My Worst Enemy

2009-04-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

As I have mentioned before, biking is my main mode of transportation, especially now that I have my road bike. However, since I got this used bike with it's Aluminum frame and carbon fiber fork, I have realized something. I have an enemy.

The wind.

Living in Traverse City, we get a lot of it coming off the lakeshore. I used to think it was just a slight bother that would slow me down on occasion, but now that my bike is about 12 pounds lighter, I notice the wind severely! It doesn't take much to blow me and my bike all over the path - which doesn't seem to please the other cyclists on the trail...

Most of the time (I use the word "most" extremely generously), the wind is coming from one solid direction. North, South, or West (occasionally East, but rarely). So, most of the time when I ride, the wind is at my face for part of the ride, and pushing me for the other part.

Well, the other day as I was fighting the wind more than normal, I thought to myself "I should just turn around, it would be a whole lot easier." But I banished that thought as soon as it entered my mind. Turn around? No way! I wanted to get to my destination!

Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to turn back. My legs were getting weaker, my bum was starting to burn, and I could feel my stomach growling - my calories were used up.

You know what happened when I turned back? I was going with the wind. How about that, eh? All of a sudden, instead of fighting the wind, I was working with it! It began to push me in the direction I was going - which I am sure sped me up from 14 mph to about 20!

It was such a relief. My legs began to come back to life and my breath came back. My bum still hurt, but at least I was getting somewhere now!

As I was feeling the wind pushing me along, I thought about how sometimes I do the same thing to God. I am so determined to go my own direction, that I am fighting him constantly. Because I am going against his will, I am wearing myself out - and getting nowhere fast.

But you know what? As soon as turn around and say, "Okay, Lord, I can't fight you anymore. Where am I supposed to be going?" He begins to push me - and you know what?

Life is then like biking with the wind. It's easy, it's fast, and you get somewhere. Why? Because you're no longer fighting him, you're working with him.

It's hard to remember that sometimes, because so often we just want to go our way - and that - for me, at least - seems to not always coincide with His way.

So, take my word for it, if you feel like you're biking against the wind, if you feel like your legs are giving out and your bum is starting to hurt; turn around.

It is a whole lot easier to work with God than against him.

"When people fall down, don’t they get up again?
      When they discover they’re on the wrong road, don’t they turn back?
Then why do these people stay on their self-destructive path?
      Why do the people of Jerusalem refuse to turn back?
   They cling tightly to their lies
      and will not turn around."

~ Jeremiah 8:4-5

Grace and Dirty Dishes

2009-04-10T12:08:00.001-07:00

Two years ago, I was watching my Youth Pastor’s kids while he and his wonderful wife were in Israel. Whenever I spend a lot of time with young kids, I remember so much of what I was like when I was really little – and what things must have looked like through my parents’ eyes.

One instance of this happened one night while the youngest boy, Caleb, and I were doing dishes. I was wiping up the counter and picking up around the kitchen when I turned to see him washing a big cookie pan. Well, Caleb is a bit over four feet tall, so he’s probably just head and shoulders bigger than sink level – not so good if you are washing a pan with a very large surface area. I started to smile as I watched this whole event unfold.

Now I have washed a few dishes in my short life, and I can see what is going to happen. The pan was beginning to fill with water and tip. Sure enough – SPLOOSH – the water in the pan was too much for it to handle and it tips and pours water all over. Luckily, Caleb has the reflexes of a cat and jumped out of the way before the water could touch anymore than his shoes.

Chuckling to myself, I grabbed a couple towels from the drawer, handed him one and helped him clean up the lake that had suddenly appeared on the kitchen floor.

Later the day I was thinking about the whole situation – and getting another chuckle out of it as I remembered how many times I had done the same thing – and I was reminded of how often God must chuckle at us when we have situations like that. God can see all – he can see everything that is going to happen before it does, not just with dishes. He knows the decisions and situations we face and what we can choose to do in them. Then he’s there to help us clean up when we screw up.

Now, perhaps if Caleb had emptied the pan of water before it got to the point of overflowing that would not have happened. Perhaps if I had warned him that was going to happen – rather than smile to myself as I watched – he may have done things differently – maybe he wouldn’t have. No matter what, it still happened.

We still make wrong decisions. We still screw up. We still let the water overflow on us. And God is still there to help us clean it up – even though, if we may have listened to Him it could have been avoided in the first place. That’s grace for you.

“When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulties, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not by burned up; the flames will not consume you.[…] Others died that you might live, I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored and I love you.”

~Isaiah 43:2,4

U-Turns and Missed Chances

2009-04-04T09:57:00.001-07:00

I remember when I was a little girl, my family and I would drive up to Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan to go to the movies – just a nice night out of the house together. At least, that was what it was intended to be.

You see, in order to get to the Soo, we needed to drive forty-five minutes from our home. For that forty-five minute drive, my brother and I were in the back seat together, a mere arm’s length away from one another.

If any of you have siblings, you might be aware that close quarters with other siblings for extended periods of time tend to be a little…dangerous. Such was the situation this particular day.

It started out well enough, however after the first fifteen minutes, we started arguing. It was most likely about something very insignificant, but when you are nine years old everything is exaggerated. Well, for the fifteen minutes after that, my parents put up with it – giving us the occasional look and “Don’t make me come back there!” I cannot say we weren’t warned – we most certainly were, but my parents patience finally ran out. They hit the wall. My dad slammed on the brakes of our Ford Escort and pulled a u-turn in the middle of M-129.

We were going home.

You can imagine the screams, sobs and apologies that were now pouring from both me and my brother. We wanted more than anything that night to go to the movies, but we just did not realize that it might not happen, until we were driving in the opposite direction of the theatre.

In the moment that we realized we were not going to the movies, all our squabbling made absolutely no sense. None. Would we have argued if we knew that it would cause us to lose our movie privileges?

So now my question is, will non-believers regret their unbelief when Christ returns?

The answer is yes. They will regret their squabbles with God. They will regret thinking that they had all the time in the world. They will regret ignoring God’s warnings and His calls to follow Him.

There is only one thing God ever asks from us, and that’s faith.

God knows that when the time comes, everyone will believe in Him. But it will be because we will see Him face to face. He wants us to believe NOW.

So I guess what I am saying is this: Don’t wait for God to make the U-turn before you realize the good He can do for you. Don’t wait until it is too late.

Christ is there, within your reach, if you are willing to trust him and take His hand.

This is one chance you have, one decision that will change your life, and one of the few things you will never regret.

Don’t miss it.

“You will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way. Follow it, whether it turns to the right or to the left.”

~Isaiah 30:21

Faith Without Sun

2009-03-30T08:51:00.000-07:00

You know another thing I love? Mornings. Love ‘em. I’m not sure what it is – the freshness, the quiet…I just love everything about mornings.

One morning, I woke up and just looked out the window. I couldn’t help but stare at the way the clouds were sailing by – the way the Sun would maneuver its way through them, trying to peek just one ray through. And sometimes, when the timing was just right, there would be a sudden brightness and warmth shining on me through the window – the sun had succeeded! The instant I felt the warmth from the sun, I was reminded of the warmth I felt before when I’ve been in the presence of God.

It occurred to me that the sun is a lot like God in our lives. Sometimes there isn’t a cloud in the sky and you can see it completely clearly, never doubting that it’s shining on you. Other times, the clouds are so thick you begin to wonder if you will ever feel that warmth again.

But do you ever doubt that the sun is actually there? Of course not! It seems as though, just when you think you cannot take the darkness any longer, you get maybe just one ray of sun through the window, and that restores whatever doubts you may have been having. And then there is that seemingly rare moment, when the sun completely shows itself, and you are blinded by the glory it presents.

And even though that warmth that you feel in its presence does not last forever, you know it is still there even when you do not necessarily feel it.

“You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who have not seen me and believe anyway.”

~ John 20:29

Appreciate the Music

2009-02-27T14:07:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, my dad had two favorite musicians. James Taylor and Van Morrison.

James and I, we got along. I enjoyed dancing with my dad in our living room to Mexico and How Sweet It Is. Some of my fondest childhood memories include good ol' Mr. Taylor.

Van Morrison, on the other hand, was a different story. I didn't get the appeal. He didn't sing...well, WELL. He never really kept a beat, and sometimes he would sing on and on and on, and I couldn't understand what he was saying because he was mumbling and jumbling his words together. I mean, come on, who can enjoy listening to that?

But there my dad would be, bobbing his head, slamming his fist on his knee with his eyes closed expressing a passion for what he was hearing that was far beyond my comprehension.

I was baffled.

Well, about two years ago, I came upon some of Van's music and I chuckled at the memories that came to mind. I thought, what the hey, I'll listen to a bit of it. A little nostalgia, you know?

As the music came through the speakers and Van's voice filled the room, I stopped what I was doing. I wasn't hearing the obnoxious voice I remembered. I heard an amazing saxophone humming in the background, a piano adding to the melody and a series of string instruments pulling together the most unique sound I had ever heard.

And bursting through the array of music was the rich voice of an Irishman who expresses more passion in one sentence of his lyrics than I could ever express in a thousand Facebook notes.

It's amazing, really, how something can look so different after you've stepped away from it for a while. It's interesting how something can seem so horrible, but when you look back on it you can see what is surrounding it - and you can appreciate the music.

I've looked back on events in my life and I have seen how wretched they've been. Like listening to mumbling and jumbling lyrics, not understanding the meaning, where the musician is singing without rhythym and you can't sing along...

But I have also seen what is surrounding that event - and I can see how God took everything about that situation and made it beautiful in light of where I am now.

I can feel the passion of His music - the sax, piano, harp and Cello. And I can hear the love in His voice as He sings my life out for me. I know that I'm going through tough situations. But I also know that in the end, I'll play the music back, and I'll be bobbing my head, slamming my fist on my knee with my eyes closed, enraptured in what God is playing for me.

Are You Learning the Language? Or Just Memorizing the Cover?

2008-12-20T11:30:00.001-08:00

So I saw this lady at the gym yesterday.

She was about 50 years old and was carrying this magnificently thick book underneath her arm. As she stepped up to the Eliptical, she placed the book on the stand in front of her and I was able to glance at the title:

"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Learning Italian"

Intrigued, I thought to myself, "Wow, what a productive way to spend your time at the gym!" (Leave it to me to think that being at the gym in itself isn't productive enough...)

I left the gym contemplating if I had the attention span to learn a language and run at the same time.....

This morning I returned to the gym. Again, the Italian-Learning Woman was there.

As I ran my monotonous pace on the Treadmill, I noticed her moving from machine to machine...all the while, she toted her book along with her. Which looked like a workout all on its own!

However, I noticed that at each machine, she set the book down in front of her, made sure it was properly balanced - and never opened it.

Not once.

I thought to myself, "How can she learn Italian if she isn't going to open the book?"

And with that thought, I began to contemplate how often I do the same thing myself. Not that I'm trying to learn Italian, but I am trying to read my own book:

"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Following God". (aka, the Bible)

I began to think how often I walk by that Book on my table and don't open it.

How often I take it's words with me to work, but I don't act them out.

How often I preach its words to others, but struggle to follow it myself.

It's like I have the book with me all the time - but I just leave it on the stand. That by merely taking it along with me, I am going to learn what it says. That I am going to learn that Language.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

In the same way that the Italian-Learning Woman isn't going to actually learn Italian without opening it, I am not going to live the fullest life for God if I don't open my Idiot's Guide and follow what it says.

Merely taking it to each machine with me and making sure everyone can see it isn't going to help anyone. Least of all myself.

I'm gonna have to crack open the cover.

Rearranging Squares

2008-12-03T07:32:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I traveled down to Chicago with a friend of mine. He had a golf tournament and I wanted to visit some friends in the city. Well, while he was at his golf tournament, I stayed with his friend's wife and played with her and her two little girls.

The oldest one, Allie, was playing a game, and her mother was calmly watching over her. Ready to give instruction and help when necessary.

At about the time Allie hit Round Ten, I could see she was beginning to get tired out. Not physically, but mentally. She started to get frustrated over nothing and became anxious. She was on the verge of throwing the squares down and crying (keep in mind that she is four) when he mother patiently said,

"Honey, what's wrong? You are doing just fine."

Allie, still frustrated, cried, "But Mom, what if I make the wrong choice?!"

Ahh, Allie....how little she realized how loaded that statement was.

I have to admit, I hate decisions. So when I heard this little four year-old get frustrated with the same thing, I started thinking about myself. I thought about how I have a hard time picking out what kind of gum I want. I take forever to order dinner at a restaurant - and don't even think to ask me what kind of ice cream to decide on! Sometimes, I want to throw down my squares and cry out in frustration. Heck, sometimes I do!

So naturally, when I think about the BIG decisions in my life, I tend to feel a little bit like Allie.

What if I make the wrong choice?

The thing I constantly forget, is that God is in the same room with me, and he's telling me the same thing Allie's mother told her, "What's wrong? You're doing just fine."

You see, any decision I make can be for the glory of God. Any choice, and road I follow, God can use. The thing is, some results are easier to deal with than others.

If Allie mixes the squares and makes a wrong choice, she must go back and fix it. Whereas if she puts them together - like the directions say - the first time, then she wouldn't have anything to fix. But honestly, can a four year old get everything right the first time? No.

The same holds true for us. We may have to go back and rearrange our squares to get the right colors, but it CAN be fixed. And we can't be expected to get it right everytime, because, like a four year old, we must learn what the correct answers are before we can be expected to make the right choice.

But thank goodness God is there to help us figure out those answers. He's there to encourage us when we get one wrong.

And he's there to help us rearrange the squares when we mix them up.

"Wise choices will watch over you. Understanding will keep you safe."

~ Proverbs 2:11

2008-11-05T19:29:00.001-08:00

The weather lately has been incredibly fantastic, as you may have noticed. So, being the outdoor addict that I am I have been trying to find every excuse to be outside for every minute I can before I am trapped in the windowless confines of the Xray department.

One activity that has been keeping me outdoors has been the task of raking my lawn - not that it is much of a lawn, but it gives me something to do.

I started the process yesterday morning and completed it today before work. Sort of.

A piece of advice: Don't attempt to rake your lawn when, A) There are still 75% of the leaves on the trees in your yard, and B) The wind is blowing the opposite direction you are raking the leaves in.

Both are very counterproductive.

It seemed that every time I would get the pile of leaves a few feet, the wretched wind would kick up and toss my leaves back to their respective places on the lawn.

I would sigh, take my rake and go back to where they had blown and re-rake them onto my pile.

Again, the wind would blow, and I would re-rake the leaves.

I would stop every once in a while and take a deep breath, trying to control my frustration. As if mocking me, the wind would russell the leaves that still remained on the big Oak in my front yard.

Laughter. That's what it was. It was laughing so hard it would cry leaves...

....Right onto my newly raked front lawn.

It was like moving two steps forward and one step back. Was I making progress or just giving myself prematurely gray hair?

Can you imagine what it would be like if I tried to do this without my rake - My trusty rake?

As I was fighting the natural elements that seemed to be interfering with my productivity rate, I got to thinking about one particular issue I have struggled with for a while now. I thought about how every day I have to get up and face it. Like the leaves, I feel like it has blown back into my yard. Didn't I fix this yesterday? Why is it still here? Why do I still struggle with this?

Some days, the wind isn't blowing that hard, and cleaning up the debris is pretty easy. But it always seems as if there is more when I wake up in the morning. So out I go again, with my Trusty Rake and I fight the elements and attempt to clean up my problem.

Sometimes, it feels as if you are moving two steps forward and one step back.

You might think you're over your eating disorder.
You might think you're over your smoking habit.
Your alcohol problem.
Your sex addiction.

But you wake up and look in your backyard, and there they are. The dreaded leaves. Will they ever be gone?

Some days it is more of a struggle, the wind may be blowing stronger, or the leaves might be damp and harder to rake. But, you know what? You're still making progress.

As long as you have your Rake you can clean up the seemingly never-ending onslaught of leaves.

Even though you might feel like you're losing ground - or at least not gaining it - you are still taking two steps forward with every day that you fight it.

That's progress.

"Perseverance must finish its work so that you can be full and complete, not lacking anything."

~ James 1:4

Windex

2008-10-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

So I was feeling very ambitious today. My house was a mess.

My room didn't have a floor, the kitchen was piled with dirty dishes, and I think there was more dirt on our floor than there was in our backyard.

Then there was the bathroom. Oh, the bathroom. This is my least favorite place to clean. Therefore it never gets cleaned as often as it probably should....

Well, like I said, I was feeling ambitious today.

I made the sink spotless, the shower sparkling and the toilet...well, I at least wiped it down so that it looked presentable and maybe got a few germs off of it....

And then I decided to get the Windex out and shine up the mirror. However, this is where my problem began...

I got the Windex out of the cupboard and aimed it at the mirror - prepared for war and squeezed the trigger.

Nothing happened.

I looked into the nozzle, twisted it a little, shook the bottle, and aimed once more.

Again, nothing happened. I proceeded to rapidly squeeze the trigger about 50 times in succession, thinking that maybe that would bring about the spray that would dazzle my mirror.

Still nothing.

At this point I was getting frustrated. After another couple of minutes of pumping the trigger with no luck, I put away the Windex and admitted defeat. The mirror would have to wait until I wasn't to cheap to buy more Windex - or fix the nozzle.

Well, as I was battling the stubborn bottle of Windex, I thought to myself how many times throughout my life I have been in a situation similar to that one. Where it's like no matter how much I squeeze the trigger or how much I tweak the nozzle, nothing happens.

My efforts are futile.

Sometimes we have situations in our life where no matter how hard we try, how much we press, we just can't get what we want. For some reason or another, God has another plan and His will is going to be done no matter how much we pump that trigger.

Maybe you need to fix the nozzle on your plan and re-aline it to fit God's plan.

Maybe you need to toss that bottle out and go buy a new one entirely.

Or maybe, just maybe, you need to keep pumping the trigger....because you never know, maybe it will spray with a little more perseverance........

"The Lord frustrates the plans of the nations...but the Lord's plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken." ~ Psalm 33:10-11

Unbeatable Love

2008-10-16T14:17:00.001-07:00

I just witnessed the most amazing display of love and courage that I have ever scene in my life.

Let me first explain something to you.

I am selfish.

You all know I work in the hospital. And given this occupation, I see a lot of pain, suffering, and too often times, death.

And perhaps that in itself has given me a morbid sense of reality.

Every time a trauma comes through the doors of the ER, I wince. I see the frightened looks on the faces of the family members.

And I can only think of one thought:

"I would rather be on that trauma bed than witnessing this as a mother, or sister, or friend."

If someone has to die, I want it to be me. If I die, I win. But if I live, I must live through pain. I'll say it again, I am selfish.

Well, today I witnessed a simple, yet incredible, interaction.

I went to the ICU to take a chest x-ray of a gentleman, and when I pushed my machine into the room, I noticed two distraught women sobbing by the side of this gentleman's bed. His wife and daughter.

When they glanced in my direction, they took their cue and stood trying to wipe the tears from their eyes. And as they did, I heard the daughter whisper to her father one simple, profoundly courageous statement.

"Dad, if you need to go, GO. Don't worry about us."

Wow. The most unselfish statement in the world.

This woman, in an incredible show of love and courage, releases her father of his pain and takes it on herself. Rather than ask him to continue to live in pain so that she won't hurt, she frees him of that responsibility with one simple command: GO.

How hard would that be? How hard would it be to tell one of the people you love the most that it is okay to leave you, knowing you may not see them again?

I can only attempt to imagine the faith, love, and courage it would take to say that to someone I love.

Naturally Beautiful

2008-10-06T06:39:00.000-07:00

The other day I was looking through my photos at work, when a co-worker came up behind me and asked if I had taken them. The shot on the screen was one I took in the early morning of a spider’s web draped in dew and surrounded by fog, with the morning sun glistening off the dewdrops. Can you tell it’s one of my favorites?

I replied and told him that yes I was indeed the photographer. He then asked me how I got the picture. I was a little confused. How? Well, I aimed the camera and pressed the shutter – what did he mean?

No no, that’s not what he meant, he told me. He asked, “Did you spray it with water to get it like that? Did you have some artificial light to get that coloring?” He then proceeded to tell me about a photographer friend of his that carries those tools around with him to get those types of shots.

I was flabbergasted. And slightly irritated, I have to admit. Why wouldn’t he just be patient and wait for the right subject? Why did that photographer feel he needed to alter something to suit his needs? Couldn’t he have gotten a lovely picture by leaving it the way it was?

Maybe I am naïve, but I hate to mess with a natural subject to get a shot that I want. It is so much more rewarding – for me, at least - to get a beautiful picture in its natural state, even if I have to wait for it.

No, I had not artificially altered the spider’s web to get the shot I wanted. God set it up for me, and I just pressed the shutter. It was perfect the way it was – naturally beautiful.

Later, I found myself gazing at the shot once more and thinking back to my interaction with my co-worker, trying to dampen down the irritation I still felt, when something occurred to me.

God is probably just as irritated with me a lot of the time.

I am my biggest critic.

I continually have to battle thoughts that tell me I am not pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, generous enough, nice enough, compassionate enough…..the list goes on.

However, when I stopped to think about it I realized that, like the spider web, I don’t need to alter a thing.

God created me exactly the way I am – and no spray bottle or artificial light is going to make me any more perfect in the eyes of God.

Inside and out, he knows everything about me. He knows all my imperfections and, believe it or not, does not think they are imperfections at all.

Sometimes I think to myself, “God, why couldn’t you have made me this way?” or “Why can’t I do this as well as that person?”

But when I fail to see the beauty in what He has already created, it is like that photographer who carries the spray bottle and light system around. Sure, he may be adding something to the picture – but if it’s not natural, what is the point? Isn’t there beauty in what is already in front of him?

God created all of us to be exactly who we are – with the talents and gifts that we have at this moment. Not more, not less. And what we have is amazing, if only we will allow ourselves to see it.

Rather than becoming critical and seeing how we can improve on his creation, maybe we should start looking at what we have and see what kind of picture we can get with that.

Leave the spray bottle at home.

“Does a clay pot argue with it’s maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, ‘Stop, you’re doing it worng!’ Does the pot exclaim, ‘How clumsy can you be?’ How terribly it would be if a newborn baby said to its father, ‘Why was I born?’ or if it said to its mother, ‘Why did you make me this way?’”

~ Isaiah 45 : 9-10

Trailer Anxiety

2008-10-03T16:18:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago my parents and I drove up to the Keweenaw Penninsula to take our horses to this competetive trail ride that my mum has been training for. From our house in the Eastern Upper Penninsula to where the ride was at was about a 6 hour drive. Now, if you own horses, you may know that that can be a bit of a haul when you're pulling a trailer.

After about two hours - if you're lucky - the horsers start to get anxious. My mum's horse, Reese, started pawing and doing circles, and my dad's horse, Zig started shuffling around a bit. So, when you've got two 1200 pound animals doing that in the rig you're pulling, you start to feel the motions.

It's almost as if they're wondering, "Are we there yet?" "Where are we going?" "Do you realize there are no windows in this thing and I can't see what the heck is going on?"

But of course the horses don't bail out - they don't really have a choice - instead, we try to calm them as much as we can and just keep going. We know what our destination is and we keep moving forward, even if they are a little anxious. After all, we know that when we get where we're going, they are going to enjoy it as much as we are.

When Reese first started dancing around in the trailer, I laughed a little, because I understand his anxiety.

I get so frustrated when I think about my future and where I want to go with my life, yet I cannot seem to figure out where God is taking me. There are no windows in the front of my trailer. I can see everything AS it goes past, and I can see what is behind me - but what's in front? Who knows.

Sometimes I get anxious with God and I just want to know our destination - "Just tell me where we're heading! Don't you realize I can't see what the heck is going on?" But God just tries to calm me down in the meantime as best as I will allow him to, and he aks for my trust.

He asks that I simply stay in the trailer and allow him to take me to our destination. Because he knows that I will enjoy it far more than if I were to bail out early. He keeps moving forward, and he wants me to move with Him.

So even though you may not see where you're going, try not to get anxious. Instead, realize that the driver you have is going to take you somewhere that will not disappoint you.

Stitches

2008-10-01T14:59:00.001-07:00

I love to cook.

This past March I went down to Farmington to visit with my grandparents for a week when I had some vacation time. So, naturally, I wanted to cook for them the entire time I was down there.

One evening, I was fighting with some sweet potatoes that did not want to be chopped. As I pressed down to cut one in half, my ring finger got caught under the blade....and proceeded to bleed profusely.

Now, I've gotten sliced many times, but this time, my finger bled for about 45 minutes. No joke. I had to change the makeshift-folded paper towel bandaid about four times because the blood soaked through. This was no normal slice and dice. This was a hard core, trip to the doctor, stitch job.

However, I hate going to the doctor. I work in a hospital, why would I want to go there during my vacation? So I never went. I never got stitches. I slapped a bandaid (a real one) on there and called it good.

But you know what? It didn't heal.

Sure, it closed up on the surface, but it was still discolored and painful. I've seen enough lacerations to know when something isn't healed underneath, and this certainly wasn't.

After 5 weeks, it still wasn't healed. I thought about taking a knife and reopening it and getting stitches, but decided that was too much trouble. And I'm a chicken - could I really slice myself on purpose??

So once again, I simply dealt with the pain. I ignored it. Hoping that if I did so, it would go away.

About a week ago, I was working on something, and somehow I slammed that finger....you know what?

It still isn't completely healed.

I realized that sometimes, the pain we deal with in our life is like this. We need stitches, we need healing. But instead we just put a bandaid on it and pretend that if we ignore it, it will go away.

But months go by, you think you're okay, and something happens. You get slammed, and you realize that you're not even close to being healed.

If only you would have gotten stitches, you could have healing in your life.

Sometimes, we have to take the knife out, reopen the wound, clean it out and get some stitches. Sometimes, the healing process is more painful than the initial injury.

However, having the feeling of ultimate closure - complete healing in your life - is so much better than ignoring the pain and putting it aside.

So what are you covering up? What are you ignoring?

Hurt? Guilt? Resentment? Anger? Bitterness?

Trying to cover it up with a bandaid, that only works for a short time.

God is the only one who can heal you from the inside out.

"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds."

~ Psalms 147:3

Selective Hearing

2008-09-24T18:25:00.001-07:00

I love to run.

I also have two Jack Russell Terriers, Pet and Sam – they love to run, too.

So when I go for runs while I am at home in Cedarville, I really enjoy taking my dogs with me.

However, there is a bit of a problem. My dogs have selective hearing.

Now, if for some reason you are not familiar with selective hearing I will briefly explain it to you: You never hear what you don’t want to hear. Savvy?

Well, my dogs and I have a routine. We live by a busy highway, so when we run across the road, I carry them across and then we run until our legs give out (Mine are usually first). However, if I do not pick them up at the right moment, they tune me out and no amount of screaming will slow them down – and when crossing a 55 mile per hour highway, this can present a bit of a problem.

They never want to hear me say “Slow down!” It seems they know we are out for a run, and that is all they can think about: The goal - run ‘til you drop. They never see the ginormous, four-wheeled monstrosity coming down the highway at sixty miles per hour that has no regards for the little white dogs crossing their path.

But I do.

I can see what they don’t. I can see that if they cross while that car is coming, they might turn into Pete and Sam Pancakes. But instead of heeding my call and coming back, they tune me out and cross the road anyway.

When I was carrying Pete across the road one morning (because he actually listened for once) I thought about this whole situation – and I realized something. I am just like these silly dogs.

It seems that when I think I know where God wants me to go – I go for it. Which can be good – I am sure he appreciates my enthusiasm – however, I often tune Him out in my eagerness to go where He wants me.

Sometimes, I don’t see the car coming.

I start to tune God out thinking, “Okay God, I know where you want me. I’m on it. I’ll see you on the other side!” But I fail to listen to Him calling out the warning to me – I get so focused on where I am supposed to be, and I forget that maybe I’m not supposed to be there yet.

I do not necessarily know what “cars” might be coming at me, but I know that when God calls my name, I need to be ready to wait for Him to catch up, so that we can cross the road together.

Although I can see my dreams ahead of me, He can see the path that will take me to them. Sometimes that means crossing a busy highway.

And I can tell you one thing: I do not want to end up as a Tracy Pancake on that highway.

“The Lord is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him.”

~Lamentations 3:25

Volley to a Million

2008-09-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

I am not competitive. At all. I am also slightly easily distracted. Today, I played a bit of tennis with a friend of mine. Thankfully, he is not competitive either. He is also slightly easily distracted. So we played a game that would keep both of our attentions, but would not require any competitive spirit whatsoever.

I’m sure you’ve played it. It’s the game where you volley the ball back and forth and see how many times you can before the ball hits the net.

The first time we only made it to three. The next time we made it to twenty-two. Then it started to get exciting. I told my friend, “Let’s make it to 32!” When we got to thirty-two we both said, “Hey! Now let’s keep going until we get to 42!” It seemed that every time we made it past our original goal, we would get excited and raise the bar again. After we had beaten a goal, it seemed disgraceful not to make it farther.

Our bar had been raised, our standards had increased and we wanted to do better every time.

Unfortunately, there were still plenty of times we did not reach that standard…we would still too often get only three volleys when our goal was one hundred. But that didn’t stop us – even if we didn’t beat our goal every time, we would still try again.

As we were playing I thought about God and the bar he has raised for us Christians. How that everyday we must try to live up to his standard.

It’s like trying to volley to a million!

He has set up this standard for us – given us this perfect example of a human being – and that is what we have to try to achieve.

Impossible.

Thankfully, God knows that we are not capable of reaching that particular goal – but he only asks us to try. He wants us to get up every morning and begin our game of volleying the ball back and forth – doing the best we can.

We may get to 100, maybe we’ll only get 32….and heck, some days we’ll barely make it to three before the ball drops. But you know what?

At least you tried.

Now, you can try to beat your previous record each day! (It’s addicting, trust me…)

The thing we cannot do, is look at the court next to us and say, “Hey, they’re not playing at all today…why do I need to be out here then?”

No. God does not call us to live according to the World’s Standards. He calls us to live according to HIS Standards.

“Stop fooling yourselves. If you think you are wise by the world’s standards you will have to become a fool so you can be wise by God’s standards.”

~ 1 Chronicles 3:18

Don't Get Stung...Twice

2008-09-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago I was out taking a hike with a friend of mine, and we decided to take my roommates dog, Moose.

As we were hiking along, we were just chatting away and Moose was skipping up ahead - dodging in and out of bushes, around trees, and loving every minute of NOT being the house.

However, his bounding soon got all of us into trouble - he stumbled upon a hive of angry Yellow Jackets. Well, they weren't really angry until after he jumped on their home, but anyway...

We were soon covered from head to toe in swarms of Yellow Jackets and running like mad in the other direction!

We didn't fair too badly - only a sting or two each, but we certainly remembered the pain! We both said, "Next time, we're not taking Moose on this trail!" And my friend kept asking me throughout the rest of the hike, "Are there going to be anymore Yellow Jackets?"

Well, today, I was taking Moose for another hike, and about halfway through it, I remembered our Yellow Jacket incident - ironically, I remembered after I found one buzzing around on the trail. (Thank goodness I was able to get past it without getting stung again!)

I could not believe that I had forgotten the last time! Especially after swearing up and down that I would be more cautious next time!

I had to laugh at myself.

Because how often do I do this in real life?

How often do I do something once, get stung hard core, and swear up and down that I will NOT repeat the experience.

I will not hurt myself like that again.

I will not repeat that mistake.

I will not.......(insert stupid memory here)

How come even when something hurts you so badly, you still find yourself involved in it again?

It seems that when the sting goes away, when the wound is healed, we forget the pain. We forget how we got into that mess in the first place.

All we remember is the lovely hike we had surrounding the yellow jacket hive.

And before you know it, you're back on the same trail.....

It's always easier to remember the good in something.

The physical pleasure in an unhealthy relationship....

The happiness of owning a new toy..until you go into debt....

Whatever your hive may be, don't forget it. Try to keep in mind the consequence that followed the action.

We can't harbor guilt and pain, but if we are naive and quickly forget what happened, we will find ourselves right back at square one, asking ourselves the same question:

"What was I thinking?"

Are You Contagious??

2008-09-09T05:47:00.000-07:00

You know what I think is one of the funniest phenomenons out there? How yawns are contagious.

Why is that?

The other day I was at work and someone across the room yawned, and I saw them out of my peripheral vision - not even in plain sight! - and I immediately began to yawn! How obnoxious, right??

Another thing I find interesting is how contagious smiles are, too.

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in the shade with a friend of mine, thinking of something (which I would rather keep you guessing at then outright tell you what it was) and I must have had a smile on my face. Because the next moment I looked up at him, and he was smiling, too. So, of course I asked him what he was smiling about. His reply was, "I don't know. I'm smiling because you're smiling."

How does that work? Why is it that when someone smiles, you feel the need to smile, too? Or when someone yawns, your body feels the need to follow that example?

As I was thinking about this, I found myself thinking about all the other things in life that are contagious. And I'm not talking just about Colds and Flus.

Have you ever noticed how when someone around you is in a good mood, you find yourself in good spirits as well?

Or when someone else is being generous, you want to be generous, too?

Or when you are with someone that is calm, no matter how high energy you are, you find yourself calming just by their presence? (Okay, maybe that one is just me....)

But seriously, I don't think we realize just how much our surroundings affect us. Or how we effect others.

I think that is why God stresses it so much for us to spend our time around those that affect us in a positive manner - those who can encourage us and lift us up, rather than tear us down.

It can be so hard to reflect God's character in this world, but that is what God is asking us to do.

He is asking us to have contagious smiles, contagious generosity, contagiouscompassion...

.....and, above all, contagious LOVE.

"I want you to show love more than I want you to offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings."
~ Hosea 6:6

2008-09-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

The Trek

2008-09-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

This past August, I was blessed enough to be able to go on this amazing road trip with my brother. We traveled to 4 National Parks, in 4 different states and two different countries. We hiked 65 miles in 6 days and spent just enough time together that we did not eat one another. It was absolutely incredible, to say the least.

Well, during the last hike of the trip, I have to admit, I was tired. The elevation was burning my lungs, my legs were constantly reminding me what a flatlander I am, and I was counting the steps until we were to reach the lake at the end of the trail.

Along the path we passed several hikers and I kept wanting to ask “How much father?” and “Does the trail keep climbing UP the whole way there?” But most of all, I wanted to ask, “Is it worth the hike?”

I never got a chance to ask, but my last question was answered as soon as we crested a hill and had a view of the lake. Without a doubt, YES, it was worth it.

I thought to myself, "If another hiker asks me if it’s worth it on my way down, my reply will most certainly be, 'Every step.' "

It occurred to me that my walk with God is like that. “God, will my life keep climbing up hill?”; “God, is there another river I have to cross?”; “God, how many more logs and rocks and roots do I have to climb over before I reach you?”

But most of all, “God is it WORTH it?”

Is it worth the ridicule I must face occasionally? Is it worth giving up certain pleasures? Is it really and completely worth it?

And do you know what His answer is?

“Every step.”

“So be truly glad! There is wonderful job ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while.”

~ 1 Peter 1:6

My Inspirations

2008-08-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

Hello there!

To anyone who may be reading this, I thought my first post would explain a little bit about this blog. Good idea, eh?

So, basically, I wanted to add this blog so that those viewing my photos would understand The Inspiration behind my photography. Yes, this may seem a little out of place in a photographer's website. However, I hope that you may come to understand the correlation between my Photography and my thoughts.

You see, God has always been and always will be my inspiration. I felt the need to share these thoughts in order to bring light to the photographs I take. I shoot these photos because of what God has done in my life, and what he has allowed me to see - and I hope he will inspire you in the same way.

Thank you for visiting :)

Sincerely,
Tracy Conroy